


Turpentine vs The Good Place

by asterCrash



Category: Band vs Band (Webcomic)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 21:26:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asterCrash/pseuds/asterCrash
Summary: It wouldn't be heaven without her sweetheart, but Turpentine has no idea what she did to wind up somewhere so nice.





	Turpentine vs The Good Place

She didn’t know how, but Clementine “Turpentine” Lee was dead.

She had to be, right? She wasn’t sure what had finally done it. Had she picked a fight with the wrong raccoon and died of rabies before she knew what hit her, _like her middle school teachers had always said she would?_ Nah, it was far more likely that she was doing something totally rad to prove to everyone that she didn’t need to prove anything to anyone and died after cutting herself open from head to toe on like a chain link fence or something. That was probably it. She bet there was a lot of guts involved.

Regardless of the particulars of her grisly fate, she knew she was dead.

Because she was in _heaven_.

Honey Hart, stuck up princess-queen of the unicorn fart lands of the band scene, Honey Hart with her gorgeous stupid curly hair and her smile and her whole face situation, Honey Hart wanted to _go out_ with _her_.

She had to be dead.

Which lead to the current conundrum. If she had died, how had she gotten into heaven? She wasn’t going to go into the particulars, but she was pretty sure if there was a Bad Place then she wasn’t just on her way there, she should be primo guest #1. There would’ve been a welcome party. She’d always suspected that if she was rad enough about being a bad chick maybe when she got to hell they’d like her enough to turn her into a sweet demon zombie ghost instead of, you know, torture her and stuff. Not that she’d be opposed to that if it was her just desserts. Well, not any more opposed than she was to most things anyway.

She was getting off topic.

She’d died and gone to heaven, as evidenced by the fact that Honey Hart liked her back. She was certain that this was a mistake, as evidenced by the fact that she’d definitely died picking a fight with either an urban fox or gravity. She was in heaven by mistake. _No one could know_.

Could Honey know? She wasn’t sure. Honey was definitely the real Honey, because even angels couldn’t fake those gams, and the real Honey definitely belonged in the real heaven. This just raised more questions. How did Honey die? Had she pulled a stunt so dumb that even Honey was caught in the fallout? Had there been like, a revenge killing by the rest of the Sourballs while they mourned for their dear, departed leader? She liked to believe that a revenge killing would’ve taken place, but more likely they’d just like, poured a beer out for her or something. Probably only half a beer. Foxy was definitely capable of crushing a human skull between her thighs, but no member of the Sourballs would voluntarily waste more than half a beer on drama.

She was still off topic. She needed to focus. She was in heaven, _against her will_ and for whatever reason Honey was here with her as well and liked kissing her and made googly eyes at her across the booth where they got milkshakes sometimes. They went on _dates_. Definitely heaven.

Which led to the real problem. When the heaven guards or whatever found out that Turpentine was actually a bad person, they would definitely have to kick her out, and then she’d go to the Bad Place where she definitely belonged. Normally she’d be fine with that, like she said, devils would love her, but if she went to the Bad Place what would happen to Honey? Would she stay up here, all alone? Would she miss her afterlife girlfriend? Would she be lonely? Would Turpentine miss her?

Or _worse_ , what if they sent Honey to the Bad Place too for loving a bad girl? Those _assholes_ , they would. They’d sentence this amazing, beautiful, perfect girl to an eternity of torment just because of who she _loved??_ No way!! She’d stop them!!! She’d find their weakness and she’d tear those stupid wings right off their—

 

* * *

 

“-And will you be pressing charges?”

“You’re damn right I will be!”

“No, he won’t officer. Thank you for your time.”

“But _Venus!_ ”

 

* * *

 

Turpentine sat on the side of the gutter, where her soul belonged. Absently, she dabbed at the cut on her cheek where Damon’s pretty-boy nails caught her by surprise while she was beating his ass. She didn’t regret beating on him specifically, but she did regret her motivations. Kicking that guy’s ass should come from a place of protecting her friends or because it’s really funny, not from her own internal drama.

“Hey,” said a familiar and impossibly sweet voice. Honey sat down next to her, in the gutter, like some kind of human garbage. It wasn’t right, her bringing herself down to Turpentine’s level. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. “You doing okay?” she asked, wrapping an arm around Turpentine’s shoulder.

She remained wordless for a bit, trying not to get lost in overthinking, before tilting sideways to lean on Honey’s shoulder. “I think I might’ve fucked up,” she said.  
“Oh! Well um,” Honey stammered, reaching for a life lesson that could’ve come from an afterschool special. “I mean, that happens sometimes, right? We all slip up. Maybe not so, um, _aggressively_ , but it happens.” She patted her girlfriend reassuringly on the shoulder, devoid of her usual holier-than-thou aura. She was, after all, sitting in the gutter, holding her gutter-dwelling girlfriend.

Turpentine didn’t have a lot to say to that, but she did feel a little less sorry for herself. She also kind of wanted to kiss her girlfriend. She followed that instinct.

Eventually the responding officer came over to give her the usual talking to. These guys didn’t have _names_ but by now they were all familiar faces. He almost got a third of the way into his prepared anti-violence speech before he noticed that Honey and Turpentine weren’t at each other’s throats like usual. Well they were, but in a much less metaphorical sense.

“Wait,” he said. “ _You_ two are dating now? Heaven help us all.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kathleen Jacques mentioned once that she wanted BvB to feel "slightly unreal and outside of real time", I've always thought it felt kind of like how I imagine heaven to be, everything just a little softer, hardships still present but only enough to motivate you to better your situation and your environment. Combine that with a certain recent TV show and I thought it would be interesting to see how Turpentine feels about how good she has things right now and whether she thinks she really deserves good things.


End file.
